Second Wind

Oh thank god!!!!

My depression has been graciously lifted for the moment, I'm just praying it will last.

I did my spell, I used a shark tooth necklace because it seems to "cut through the confusion" and "point" in the right direction. Hahaha, ugh, bad puns-

Anyway, Simone is over right now and we're obsessing over DDR...again. But I'm sooooo happy.

Spells asides, I think I'm going to buy a new ipod anyway, I'm devoid of music and that is BAD.

Also, I've drawn almost 5 full pictures (will put them up on DevARt soon)I think the art makes me really happy. And at the moment I feel like singing until my lungs are burning and my throat is scratchy and dry. The pressure on my chest has changed into something waiting to burst out...Wow that sounded cheesy.

Anyway, really just feel so good, and I really don't want to do ANYTHING to ruin this mood. I'm clinging to it like a drowning (wo)man to a life preserver. :) Anyway, I might blog again but if I don't Goodnight. ^_^ *skips off to some unseen music*

Wither

Life is so incredibly repetative, it sucks alot of that time too. I feel slightly hallow and bitter inside, I really have no will to do...anything anymore. Not homework, not spells (though I'll do one tomorrow anyway in hopes that I'll feel better after) not talking or writing and apparently not even sleep. I haven't slept well at all these last few nights, tossing and turning and waking constantly. Maybe that's the problem, I'm so tired. Withering, withering away...

And of late I've felt this sort of pressure on my chest, in my heart and lungs. It's oppresive and terribly depressing. Simone's sick of the repetition to.

I go to bed, barely sleep, wake up, shower, argue with Monique, go to school, run machanically through all my classes, pick up Sophia, go home, procrastinate before doing my homework, argue with Monique somemore, and start again the next day.

So sick of it all. I feel like lying in a heep in a soft room, all dark and soft and stare. Continuously into nothing. Untill I've sorted myself out and am ready to leave (if ever). Talking lacks meaning, typing lacks meaning, it all lacks meaning.

But I have to go now because Sophia is hovering, and mom is snapping that it is time to go. Bye, and good night if I don't get back on in time.

Interesting

Well guess who got a blog? Simone!! I'm glad, I think I can finally share this with someone.

I think the main reason I wasn't sharing it before was that, you know that whole talking to my pets thing? I don't want people to think I'm crazy, but I'm not going to deny it, because I feel like I really am hearing them... after this period I'll tell Simone she has every ounce of my permission to read this blog.

I just hope she doesn't think to much on my depressed amounts of time. Especially that last one, I seriously don't know what was wrong, I really did think I was going crazy. Really I don't feel at all sound of mind but I have this cool ability to gloss over it.

So aside from that, I need to still type on this blog like I usually do. WHen I think no one will read it, and they won't care anyway. BEcause I have a terrible "phobia" if you will of opening up to anyone. I'm not afraid of being judged (at least I don't think so) but I just don't. it makes me feel sort of hallow inside, and I hate that feeling.

Yesterday mom made us do yardwork and I was already mad at Monique. We got into this sort of passive aggressive fight. First I calmly told her off in a million high-vocabulary words and expressions. I know it hurts her but when I do it I never really care about how deep my metaphorical knife is sinking. I'm guessing it goes real deep. SHe tried to make a few come-backs but they just don't work on me. Then somehow we turned our brooms into weapons. She shoved me into a bush with one and I got up and tore it from her hands. THen I cracked it neatly across her back, not to hard because if she cried out too loudly it would alert mom and the whole thing would end with mom screaming at us both and me seriously considering a self-induced coma. I also swore at her, once out of everyone elses earshot. I told her she could do whatever the hell she wanted because I didn't care anymore, I didn't care to be near her anymore.

I didn't mean to, I meant to say heck but the other word just slipped off my tongue like poison: smooth and sleek with a deadly edge.

Anyway, there's more I want to cover but if Simone reads this I don't want to be too freaked out by how "dark and twisty" I am in my writing. It is bizzare actually, it freaks me out sometimes when I read over it. But I still feel like it's true. When I'm in the company of others I feel fine, only because I don't think of it. But alone? Well, the blog says it all. When alone I feel like curling up in a dark, quiet, small place all alone to sleep.

Anyway, I'll type more later. Still haven't found my ipod or my shirt. -Gabrielle (I beleive I've said that once before, yes my real name is Gabrielle)

I think I'm losing it.

I most certainly think I am . Not only have I lost my favorite over shirt, but also my ipod, my club card, and my primary notebook for school. NOt to mention this horrible feeling of despair enveloping me. What's wrong? I don't know...i don't know...i....

I need help. Please, SOMEONE HELP. Blogging is supposed to help, it's not working for me. THis is terrible because ooo I'm writing about myself, whoopy. But know one is telling me what to do. I just....

Lost... I'm so lost and the only thing keeping me from silently crying my heart out is my incapability to do so. I don't cry, I haven't cried for months, maybe years. NOt even when I've fallen and seriously wounded myself. NOpe...

Lost...please somebody...help...

Update

Alright so we got our new kitten.
We have been planning it for about a month after Doublestuff disappeared. I spoke to Autumn about it at the time and she said she was fine with it, she was lonely. We got the kitten yesterday and Autumn's attidutes toward it are: indifferent, ignoring, hostile, or rarely curiosity. After firmly commanding her not to harm the fluffy creature (named Minky) she told me (after some careful probing on my part) that she was staking her territory. The kitten needs to know where she may enter and where she most definately may not. Autumn is still the boss of the house, no one will take that from her.

Aside from that I'm goign to Simone's house when the period ends to play the new Nancy Drew game. It looks terrific, creepy graveyard, crystal skull, new character role, and gumbo :p Then on saturday I'm goign to get more halloween costume accesories. I also want to go to the library later to check out usome books on Samhain, coming up soon.

I've been fleetingly thinking of emailing simone this blog. But I don't know, I think maybe not...
I just wish that it didn't always say 0 Comments. :( is sad.

Oh well, see you later.

Also: Isn't this guy awesome?!?!:

(few seconds later...) drat! That was test. You all fail!!! Mwahahaha. Actualy I just couldn't find the link for this guys art. It was so cool! At one point he covered a canvas with 6000 bandades and then painted on it with a qurt-size bag of his own blood (given him by his sister a doctor) the art is really spectacular. I'll see if I can find the link later.

No Comment (that doesn't mean I don't want comments)

*Sigh*

Am very bored. I read a book called "The Chronicles of Vladimir Tod"

Which was a great book but made me extremely depressed do to the fact that I'm yet again in love with a book character that I cannot find anyone similar to in the real world. Is there no tall, pale, skinny boy who beleives in mythology and other such things?!

Yes, for those people asking, yes. I am that truly pathetic that I consider no boy "hot" unless they fit the above requirments. And yes, I am pathetic enough to get depressed over these sort of things.

Damn it, im pathetic.

........*sigh*..........
(pretend phyciatrist session)
Doctor: "So is there anything you'd like to talk about?"
Me: "*sigh* no."
Doctor stares expectantly with cold blue eyes
Me:"I went to new mexico over the weekend" offered grudingly as a reply
Doctor: did you have fun?
Me: *shrug with a muttered reply that sounds something like "Yes"
Doctor prods: "You know Gabrielle, I'm here for you to talk to, you can tell me whats wrong."
Me: stares coldly back, wondering if my gaze enough will be able to give this girl an extreme case of some horrible (yet curable because I'm not totally evil) disease. Since shes not doubling over and wretching in pain I'm guessing it's not working.
Doctor: Your sure there's nothing else? asked with almost sincere concern, the effect greatly ruined by the way she keeps glancing at the wall clock.
I sitffly shake my head. These sessions only really make me feel angry and uncomfortable, I don't know why I go.
Doctor sighs: Well, you have my phone number if you ever want to talk.
I leave, noticing how she seems disapointed I didn't completely spill my guts into her little yellow notepad.
~~~~~~~~~

Calss ended bye